these moments, these circumstances: J at low of himself but not yet bottom, my body hurting for all the strain of my mind, longing for intimacy with you and your followers, to love and be loved, safe in you, to find healing, to find connection for my children, to be supported, to have permission internally to be messy without losing myself in hopelessness and unable to cope with my children's lives. Let me find the boundary of my acceptance of the beloved but rejection of the behavior. Protecting, loving, teaching, and guiding my children in a way that shows them health and fullness instead of reaction, fear, and weakness.
lemons.
Hip-hop duo Atmosphere suggests "If life hands you lemons, you paint that sh** gold." I think it denies that lemons are good and have a purpose, though they may be sour on their own. It also perpetuates the false but intoxicating belief that self-will is mightier than any opposition.
Let me not lie about the content of my life, covering it over with something more attractive but false. Let me instead accept it as it is, measure out how it can be useful, and fall to the task with gracious dedication instead of rosy denial or grim determination. Let me accept that I cannot control anything outside of myself. I can act according to my will, but that is the point where innumerable variables affect results.
If I simply live in compliance with what I believe is the leading of the Spirit, checking myself with the principles of Loving, True, Kind, Necessary, I can rest in assurance that my Higher Power will use my actions according to his plan. After all, he wouldn't be much of a higher power if he couldn't use all actions to his purpose.
The fear for me here is that my wrong actions will cause me to experience more hurt or pain, and further slow my progress towards accomplishment. This seems like a justified fear to me. At times in the past when I've made mistakes, I've had to pay for those things with regret, guilt, punishment, painful consequences, etc. I don't want to make mistakes because it reinforces to me that I can't get stuff right and it cuts into my productive time. Perhaps that's learning: you're more careful to consider what you do so you don't get negative results. But if it becomes crippling, maybe that's the point when you have to just take an action you believe is right and then accept that there will be learning with it.
change.
I want to see good things in my life. I have many good things, and I can focus on them now that I've cut some obligations. to build on those good things and cut away the less-good things will help me keep moving forward.
I've been told that I present a game-face, a composed, held-together face. I don't feel like that's what I do. But I do know I'm really afraid that people will see me as the mess I am, so maybe I construct a front. I don't know. I'm just trying to keep some composure so I can have a strand of professionalism. Messy people don't remain employed. The problem is, my body's falling apart behind the scenes so it doesn't matter how I look, I can't remain employed if I can't function. and more than employed, I can't conduct my life period: parenting, housekeeping, self care, friendships. I guess I have to find a middle ground or a more honest representation. I'm not going to go around looking like crap on purpose so that people don't utilize me, but I also have to give them a clue about my limitations. I've been playing in my head with making this button that proclaims what I can't say out loud to everyone: "Done pretending I have it all together" or "NEW! with Lower Expectations" or "Save those high standards for the next U2 record" or even "Waaaaaay Less than Perfect." Maybe I should just make a disclaimer button: "WARNING: If I commit to anything in your presence, please don't accept it. I am not superhuman, and I am already over-committed. I may be convinced that your project is the exception to this disclaimer, but THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS. The fine print: I want to help you but I can't. I hate to disappoint you which is why I say yes instead of no, like I should. Reality says I can't please everyone. I have to live within my resources, so I'm learning to say no."**
If we keep the weeds out of the garden but then crowd the plants, the plants cannot flourish. If we space them appropriately and tend them well, they can grow. If we add "fertilizer", we may think it stinks at first, but as it breaks down in the sunlight with water and time, it will produce a better, bigger, more beautiful result.
Go spend some time in the sunlight and break that sh** down into something useful.
-s
*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/When_Life_Gives_You_Lemons,_You_Paint_That_Shit_Gold
**http://www.zazzle.com/no_more_commitments_button-145355132575434427
Sometimes you ramble. But I appreciate it when you do make your point.
ReplyDeleteYou look crazy when you comment on your own blog. Stop it.
ReplyDelete